DarrenByrne.com

I‘m done. I’ve had enough. It was pleasant for a day, but now I’m pissed off, I’m uncomfortable, I’m sick of it. I don’t like this weather. I miss the rain.

I miss the rain. I miss the dark and the cold and the grey clouds and the big jackets, wet feet, chilly nose. I miss it all and would happily take all of those wintry symptoms over this icky, unpleasant heaviness.

I know we’re not supposed to complain about this “wonderful weather”. I know we’re supposed to embrace it and say things like, “sure, it’s like being on holidays”, “it’s like we’re in Spain” and “it’s a great day for the beach”. Well, I can’t stand the frickin’ beach. It’s not Spain – it’s humid, muggy Dublin. And it’s not like being on holidays – I have to go to work.

I have to leave my apartment already sweating. I have to travel on a hot bus for 40 minutes. I have to sit in a poorly air-conditioned greenhouse of an office for 10 hours before hopping back on the same sticky bus for another 40 minutes. I don’t do any of those things when I’m on holidays. Do you?

And if another person tells me that I’m tempting fate by complaining about the heat…argh! Ghosts are in your imagination, there are no vampires, aliens do not abduct redneck Americans, there is no God, werewolves are only in movies and there is no such thing as tempting fate!!! If there was, I’d be practicing my rain dance.

I can’t be alone in this. Surely at least some of you agree with me. We can’t all have bought into this insane mass hysteria. We’re in Ireland. We’re not built for this. We’re built for duffel coats and boots, for whiskey by the fireside and dark nights indoors listening to the splattering of showers on the window. I miss the rain.

I don’t want a tan. I’m perfectly happy looking like my pigment was removed at birth. I like wearing clothes and I hate seeing overweight, hairy alcoholics wearing nothing but tissue of shorts, putting their moobs on show for the world.

And as I finish this post, I lie here naked in bed on bed, sweating, too warm to sleep, windows wide open. Bring on the thunder and lightning, bring on the break in this weather, bring on the clouds and grey skies, bring on the storms.

So, who’s with me? Who wants to tempt fate and do raindance? Let’s extinguish that big yellow torturer above and welcome back the comfortable familiarity of the beautiful overcast sky. I miss the rain.

I miss my big red hat too!